With the global economic and financial turmoil increasingly enveloping us with bad news upon bad news, from Greek political infighting to the so called J P Morgan Chase debacle, it would be extremely helpful that all the major political and financial figures who hold such a direct and tremendous influence on our lives start learning about the intricacies of global finance in easier to understand terms, thereby safeguarding their own jobs.
Joke 1: How The 2008 Housing And Mortgage Crisis Unfolded
- A Berlin bar owner wanted to increase sales and allowed her patrons (unemployed alcoholics) to drink now and pay later, keeping track of tabs on a ledger, effectively granting them a loan. Word spread, and before long, new customers started flooding in. The owner subsequently raised prices on her two most valuable products, wine and beer, with the result that sales figures expanded exponentially.
- An enterprising local banker recognized the increasing value of the collateralized assets of the owner and liberalized the owner’s borrowing limits. The bank went on to securitize her loans into Drinkbonds, Alkbonds, and Pukebonds, which were traded globally and became enormously in demand due to rapidly increasing prices.
- One day, a bank risk manager decided it was time to collect on the owner’s debts and issued a collection notice (due to his perceived negativity, he was promptly fired afterwards).
- Sadly, the owner’s unemployed customers could not deliver on their obligations, and she had to declare bankruptcy.
- In quick succession, Drinkbonds, Alkbonds and Pukebonds lost almost all of their values. The bar’s suppliers, having extended generous credit terms and having invested in the bonds themselves, also went bankrupt.
- The bank was rescued by an international financial committee after numerous sessions of negotiations by leaders of the global community.
- The funds required for the bank bailout came in the form of a tax levy on non drinkers.
Joke 2: How To Grab A Bank President By The Balls
- A little old lady walked into the National Bank and asked to see the bank president because she wanted to make a large deposit of $170,000. The curious bank president inquired about how she came into that much cash. Her reply: “I make bets.”
- “What kind of bets?”, was the bank official’s next question and her reply was: “For example, I’ll bet $25,000 that you have square balls.”
- Feeling secure in the knowledge that there was no possible way he could lose, the bank president agreed to the bet. The little old lady then asked if she could bring her attorney along as a witness for the 10:00 A.M. meeting the following day, due to the large sum involved, which the bank president consented to.
- Somewhat nervous about the size of the bet, the bank president assured himself that night that his balls were not square.
- Like clockwork, the little old lady showed up the next morning at 10:00 A.M. sharp with her attorney to witness her repeat her bet in the presence of the bank president.
- After asking the bank president to drop his pants for examination, she asked for his permission to feel them for absolute certainty. The president of course agreed to her request, then noticed the attorney banging his head against the wall.
- Concerned, the president asked the little old lady if there was anything wrong with her attorney.
- She replied: “Nothing. But I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 A.M. today I’d have the balls of the National Bank’s president in my hands.”